the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
put ‘er there pardner!
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My doctor says I only have one diabete.