If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
girls literally only want one thing..
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Kidney stones? Hard pass