whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
(True)
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all