interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Had to try this trend 😊
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
January has been Januweary
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?