Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes