The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You Might Also Like
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”