I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
being a writer on Twitter:
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.