[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.