Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
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2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable