As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom