I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it