11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
This is a true ally.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Finished stitching this today 😇
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”