Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Banking tips
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?