I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*