asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
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News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.