[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
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While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
How I’d get arrested…
This made me chuckle cuz mood
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie