My dog when she hears popcorn popping
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Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
No chill.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.