So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
taking June’s advice to heart
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
everyone has that one prude friend
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.