Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Duolingo getting serious.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.