People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
You Might Also Like
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay