If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Bootstraps
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video