sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
You Might Also Like
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
🚲+physics = winner
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
peep davidson
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?