We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them