Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
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Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Boating season is upon us.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer