Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.