Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
SCARY COSTUME
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
buying dead houseplants to save time
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.