if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
それは草
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Why am I like this?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”