What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!