PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?