Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be