I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
not for long
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it