[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
no
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.