[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
You Might Also Like
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I beg your pardon?
Bike for sale