The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
You Might Also Like
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?