*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
You Might Also Like
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?