when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you