I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
You Might Also Like
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.