Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Uh oh…
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
my proudest tweet
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.