First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
You Might Also Like
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
good for her
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”