On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?