NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?