[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Mhm.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.