Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
He’s cranky this morning
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask