I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend