Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Sorry not sorry.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?