(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
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“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.