Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Coffee is ready.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.