I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Who does Amazon think I am?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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