I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I WON A HAM TODAY