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Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺